Admitting It

A few years ago, back when I was on my own, I decided that it would be a good idea to learn how to take care of someone other than just myself. I started looking for a dog. My husband, boyfriend at the time, knowing about my search, surprised me with a cute little puppy. Looking back, I should have gotten a plant.

So, we named our new addition Chewy. Between the two of us and our busy careers, we took care of Chewy. I lived a few feet from the ocean but since Chewy barked at other dogs like he was crazy and had rabies, I walked him every morning in the dumpy alley instead of the beautiful Manhattan Beach strand, gazing at the back door trash cans and garage doors in place of the ocean . Oh well. Then I got married and we had to move. It was traumatizing for everyone involved, especially Chewy. But we all survived and moved to Brentwood, where I walked Chewy in the alleys there. Then Bubu was born.

We joked that Chewy was our first born and that he now had a brother. Don't we all do that? Pretend that our pets are siblings with our children? Okay, well, we did. I think that was a turning point. Chewy went on fewer walks and he seemed to get in trouble a lot more. We tried to be understanding of the transition he was going through but we didn't do good enough a job with that. Then we moved to Northern California. It was a seven hour drive and my husband and Bubu drove up together ahead of us and then many hours later, after the movers had finished packing us up, Chewy and I headed up North. Leaving my home of ten years was tough, but I wasn't alone, I had my dog.

When Bubu started crawling, we realized we had to be a little more careful but we weren't on high alert at all time with the dog and the baby. Needless to say, we had a few incidents and our sweet little Chewy got blacklisted with our family. That part really sucked but we totally understood and it just gradually became a lot more trouble for us. After Peewee was born, we had another incident and that was it.

It took me months, but I finally found a rescue that accepted Chewy and is putting him up for adoption. My husband and I had to surrender our first born yesterday. It was hands down the most awful, painful thing I've had to do in I don't know how long. I still feel like I've been punched in the gut numerous times. Did we do the right thing? I don't know, I guess. What is it that hurts so bad? It's because I failed him. I failed Chewy by not trying harder to train him, to take him for longer walks, to care more, to make more time for him, and now what? It was my failure as a an owner, as his parent, that has led to poor Chewy probably sleeping in a crate last night instead of in our warm, cozy bed with us.

At this point, I'm just praying that he goes to a good home. To an owner that won't fail him like I did. 

The Halloween Edition

Oh Halloween. I have to admit I love Halloween. I remember back in the day, which is defined as 22 months ago, when we would get dressed up and go to costume parties and have cocktails with friends. Now, it's still fun but in a slightly different way I guess. The majority of this weekend was trying to get a good photo of Bubu, in his costume, looking at the camera. Much harder than it sounds.

So, anyways, let me back up for a moment. A few weeks ago, I decided to sign up to run a 5k mudrun on October 30th, which is basically a 5k with some obstacles and a lot of mud. Sounds fun, right? Some of my girlfriends in my moms group were also running it and I was really excited to get out there and finally do some real activity for the first time since Peewee was born. This, for some reason, symbolically meant a lot to me. I thought of it like a real accomplishment to jump start perhaps more of the same.

Then, a couple weeks ago I had a doctor appointment and asked why my belly button had not gone back to normal after my last pregnancy? What's going on here? Am I going to have to have plastic surgery to fix this and pay for it myself? No! Good news! It's a hernia and so she refers me to a surgeon to have it fixed. I was really happy about that. I felt like I had some weird tumor for the past few months and I have been really self conscious about it. SO I go to the surgeon and they schedule my surgery for Nov. 1st. Okay, so yes, it's the day after Halloween but I think whatever, I can swing it.

I then, of course, jam pack plan the week full of a pumpkin carving, pizza party, costumes, candy, cupcakes, groceries, and the mud run, oh and work too. SO, inevitably this past Thursday I threw out my back. Thank you beautiful children for giving me a bad back and a hernia. I love you both dearly.

I tried to ignore the pain and power through the day thinking I could use The Force to make it go away. Well, it totally backfired, and adding insult to injury, I woke up Friday morning sick. I felt so awful I didn't make it to work, which rarely happens. Ugh, the timing couldn't have been worse. I pulled it together on Saturday to get the pumpkin carved and outfits ready, but I did not make it to my mud run on Sunday and that part made me sad. My back is still not better unfortunately but we did take Bubu and Peewee out Trick-or-Treating for the first time which was awesome. I am still having my surgery tomorrow. And despite it all, I still love Halloween.

Immense Restraint

So, remember how I said I'd have to write about the nanny diaries later? Well, here it is. And I'll go ahead and say it up front, this might be a longer story than usual.

I was so excited to get a job back in the beginning of August and get back into the work force. We interviewed nannies fairly quickly, like 2 days, and chose who we thought was best. Everything seemed fine at first, the kids seemed happy and we felt good about our choice. Then the weirdness began. We found cigarette butts on our back patio one weekend and since we had requested a non-smoking nanny, we were confused. Well, I immediately suspected it was her but I didn't have any proof so I texted her and asked if she smokes outright. Maybe that wasn't the best Nancy Drewing I've ever done but so anyways, she said No. Alrighty, so we decided to play along for now and if it wasn't her, then there was some creepy peeping tom smoker coming up to our house un-noticed and dumb enough to put the butts out on our patio. That seemed unlikely, right? So we basically forgot about it in the bustle of life, but then a couple weeks later I got a text from the nanny while I was at work saying that she had found 2 more cigarette butts outside. So then I freaked out because maybe there really WAS some weirdo lurking around our house with the kids there. It couldn't be the nanny or else why would she tell me that? So I call my husband and start planning how big a padlock we need on the gate, how much are video cameras for outside, what if there's some freak seriously coming on to our patio smoking?

Then a couple Mondays ago, I came home and of course had to pee immediately after walking in the house because I have birthed two children, and I see a cigarette butt in the toilet. See, our toilet hasn't been flushing well recently and the shower started clogging up too, maybe because someone has been flushing cigarettes down the toilet for two months. So I didn't know what to say in the moment but of course I knew she had lied to us. I kept quiet for a little while...wondering how to approach this delicate situation, because I don't want to jeopardize the care of the children so I can't really fire her right that minute. And I need to think and discuss with my husband so I say, "So, did you find anymore cigarettes out back?" And she stumbled over her answer but she said oh yeah, I found one today, blah blah. In my head now I f---ing hate this kid and would punch her in the face if I didn't have the kids there and a husband to answer to. But I didn't. I said ok, see you tomorrow.

Well, my husband agreed this was way too super weird and she not only lied to us, but tried to make us think there was some creepy lurker coming on to our property and endangering the kids. And she has probably destroyed the plumbing as well.

There's other stuff too like she got engaged, then 3 weeks later the boyfriend dumped her, and they live together so now she has to find a new place to live, etc. Every week has been some weird drama. "My wallet got stolen, my car key broke, my dad went to the hospital." And then she'd also ask me almost every day what time I was coming home. Seriously, I mean, what are you doing that it matters when I'm coming home? You're bugging me. And are you so eager to leave that you're not taking good care of the kids? Omg I hate her.

Even if all this stuff is true, the concern is how can you focus on taking care of the kids if your life is always in shambles. And at this point I didn't trust anything she said anymore. I started interviewing new nannies as I questioned the trade-off of being a working mom. Once again asking that haunting question...is it worth it? Because no matter who we hire, no one will be quite good enough. Can I deal with that?

So, let me just say how bad an actress I am. And I'm trying incredibly hard not to go psycho on this kid everyday with a fake face each morning and afternoon. Then Friday rolls around and my mother in law said she's driving through and will drop by un-announced to check on the kids and nanny. So one more thing I forgot to mention, last week the nanny got sick and now both my kids have gotten a cold. Thanks bitch. But so anyways, Friday morning I specifically tell her NOT to take the kids anywhere because they are sick, especially Peewee because she is not even 4 months old yet. I even went so far as to explain WHY you don't take a sick 4 month old tromping around town in case she needed clarification. Then around 1:30pm I get that dreaded phone call from my mother in law saying she was there and no one was home and the nanny's car was gone.

Are you f---ing kidding me?? Really? I was livid. My eyes hurt I was so mad. My voice was shaking as I told my husband to handle this and find the children instead of me so as not to kill anyone and avoid jail. (Deep breath.)

The kids are fine and I texted her yesterday and said I lost my job so we don't need her anymore. I lied because my husband told me to...in order to avoid drama. If I had my way I'd have already ripped this kid a new one and made her cry 18 times, and hopefully taught her a lesson so some other family didn't go through this BS. But I guess it's not my job to teach a 23 year old how to be honest, right? I haven't slept for days. I've interviewed nannies and checked references non-stop for 3 days now. Good news is I found a new nanny. She starts tomorrow. And through this process I did not yell at anyone, I didn't damage anyone's personal property, and I didn't set a bad example for my kids. I told my husband he should be proud of me because I showed Immense Restraint.

Reno Eve

It's been an interesting week. The nanny got sick which was one of those extremely irritating situations where you can't really get mad at anyone. I made arrangements with a babysitter for Monday, had to come home early on Tuesday and so then I finally got the kid some soup and Dayquil on Wednesday which hopefully translated into "suck it up." There are other weird nanny issues but I haven't personally analyzed them enough to explain them in writing quite yet. I'll just say that her fiancé dumped her a few weeks ago. Stay tuned for the next episode of The Nanny Diaries.

Bubu seems to be going through a phase where he is totally on Team Mom and he has denounced Team Dad. So when Daddy gets home after a long day at work and all he wants is a hug from his little boy, he gets rejected. It's awful to watch. Tonight, Team Dad says "can I have a hug?" No. Kiss? No. Don't you love Daddy? And Bubu says "No" as he climbs on my lap. Ugh, I felt guilty for some reason and just plain bad. And no, I am not brainwashing my toddler.

So tomorrow I am going to Reno, NV with some moms in my moms group, for a little getaway weekend. Well, actually, for one night but for us, just to lay out by the pool and sleep all night without a baby monitor sounds like heaven. I think we could be in any city, anywhere, with a cocktail, and be happy. But so I'm hoping while I'm gone, Team Dad wins Bubu onto his team.

The Good Stuff

In between those scattered moments of trauma that I have, are also those amazing times that I usually skip mentioning because they're just not as entertaining to describe, but so I thought I'd pay homage to the good stuff this time.

Peewee amazes me more and more every day. She smiles and laughs when we make silly noises at her, she has this intense focus when she's lying on her activity mats trying to grab the dangling princesses above her, and her eyes light up when I get home from work and it truly melts my heart. I find myself staring at her tiny feet and hands and I can't imagine our lives without her in it. It took awhile to really get a chance to bond with her because Bubu demands so much attention but now I feel like we actually have a family of 4.

Bubu can talk more and more each day that passes. He makes us laugh a million times a day with his new abilities. He just learned how to count to 5 and he seems to know the colors blue and pink. Shocker. He runs to me whenever I walk into the room and gives me a big hug and I love it. His favorite word is mommy and I'm usually happy about about that. We went swimming today and he started out with a death grip on me sitting on the top step in the water saying "I got you, mommy" over and over but then slowly we were in the pool, splashing around together. By the end of our swimming adventure Bubu was standing at the edge of the pool and jumping into my arms in the water. I was so incredibly proud of him, I could have cried. I wish I had a reality TV crew taping us to show his father so he could share in my delight.

And last, but not least, there's my husband who destroys the kitchen to make a grilled cheese sandwich but it's funny somehow. It amazes me to watch him with Peewee. He magically puts her to bed almost every night and I love him for that alone.

So, beyond the meltdowns, weird syndromes, and temporary losses of sanity, there's the good stuff.

The Fruit Snack Tirade

I'm not sure what started causing my periodic episodes of intensity but perhaps a little analysis will help me figure it out so here it goes. I happened to get done with my workday early yesterday. I know most people would be happy to get done early and get to go home, right? So it was about 3:30pm, I get home, and the nanny leaves around 4pm. Mind you, I'd been on my feet a lot that day so my back hurt, my feet hurt...I was tired. But I was glad to play with Bubu for awhile regardless. We played and then he asks for fruit snacks. I look at the clock and since it's almost dinner time I said no. Meltdown. He asks for a popsicle, I said no. Meltdown. He wants a Pacifier, I said no. Meltdown. Then, of course, Peewee starts crying. I go to pick her up and Bubu totally loses it. So I'm thinking, what weird twilight zone am I in right now? And where's a razor blade when you need one?

The nanny told me Bubu didn't really eat his breakfast or lunch and I didn't think much of it until now. I realized Bubu has been running the show and he eats 18 packets of fruit snacks per day so why eat any real food? So, I manage to survive a dinner for Bubu where he eats nothing but 2 cookies. Meanwhile, I've resolved to just ignore Peewee crying until her father gets home to take care of her.

Everyone finally went to sleep and woke up at 5am. I don't know what came over me but there was no going back to bed after the early morning feeding. I actually started writing pages of instructions for the nanny, spilling all my thoughts, ideas, rules and regulations out on my notebook for Bubu. Then, when the nanny arrived this morning, I reviewed all that I had wrote down for her. I also hid the remaining fruit snacks and expressed for about 30 minutes how much I f---ing hate fruit snacks and that I never want to see them again, I'll never buy them again, and never speak of them again.

On my way home from work today, I made sure NOT to get home early. I was that asshole driving 45 on the freeway actually. And now in retrospect, I realize I may have scared the poor girl...with my crazy fruit snack tirade.

Emotional Instability Syndrome

I believe the expulsion of two human beings out of my 120 pound body, which is no longer 120 lbs, has caused me to develop Emotional Instability Syndrome. For short we'll call it NUTS. Sunday started out as a nice normal day. Then, while I was trying to watch one of our favorite TV shows, True Blood, that is way too violent and profane for us to watch while any child is awake, the housekeeper called 3 times. So I thought ok, I guess I should see what her deal is so I answered. I'm not sure if it was the fact that she talked too much in a Peruvian accent that I can't understand, or that she's over-charging me for a mediocre job, or that the baby in my arms starting crying, but I lost it and fired her and hung up on her.Oky doky.

Then yesterday I'm at work and the nanny calls me. My heart rate immediately spikes and I answer my phone. Turns out that she put the dog out in our fenced in patio, as I instructed, so she could drive the kids to the park and he was barking like usual and so our neighbor comes over and tells her not to leave the dog outside because it's animal cruelty. And no, she's not a member of PETA. So, number one, in my mind it's not animal cruelty to leave a dog outside with a bowl of water in 75 degree weather. So I tell the nanny to leave the dog outside anyways and I'll call the neighbor.

Just so you know, the neighbor happens to be a sweet little 70 year old Indian woman, Curry not Casino like me and also happens to be from the same town as my mother. Huge coincidence. She's a few years older than my mom but it's seriously like having my mom next door. She's been wonderful to us, is now friends with my mom, and babysits when ever we need an hour to go run an errand. Anyways, I call her and politely explain that I told the nanny to put the dog outside when she leaves the house so he doesn't pee on the carpet where the kids play. I also asked if it was really just that the barking was disturbing. Well, she didn't respond exactly how I imagined. She adamantly said it was animal cruelty and that we can't leave the dog outside and he barks. Great. Thanks. Allrighty then so, I said ok I'll call the nanny to go lock the dog in the 4' x 4' laundry room since that is less cruel. Fine.

I haven't disclosed this before but our dog is a biter. A little 12 lb Napoleon biting dog. He has bitten Bubu, my mother en-law, and last week, the nanny. So picking up the dog and putting him in the laundry room isn't as easy as it sounds. And I'm still paying for the ER bill for Bubu's bite. We've discussed getting rid of him but we never went through with it. Until now.

My NUTS kicked in and I called the neighbor back to let her know the dog was now barking inside and that I was going to put him to sleep tomorrow. I'll just say I was maybe a little rude and disrespectful. Okay I yelled at her. After she hung up me, I called my mother and yelled at her to call the neighbor and apologize for me yelling at her. Yes, I was in a full blown downward spiral. I called the SPCA and they said to bring the dog in. I rushed out on my lunch break, picked up the dog and drove him to the SPCA to get rid of the root cause of my stress. After filling out a 12 page form, they said they can't put him up for adoption because he's a biter and that they just put him to sleep in a few days. I started crying in their office and took the dog back home. I don't know if I was sad about killing the dog or that I had no solution to my problem.

I'm currently dealing with my life better today but I've had 2 glasses of sauvignon blanc so we'll see how tomorrow goes. I'm searching for a no-kill shelter in northern CA that will accept my dog that bites. My husband doesn't want to get rid of the dog. And my NUTS are killing me.